Emocionalna gnjavaza

Sta je emocionalna gnjavaza? Obicno se desava u intimnim odnosima (decko-devojka), ali moze I sire, sa roditeljima, prijateljima.  Ako se pronadjes u jednoj od opisanih situacija, znaci da si bio/la emotivno ugnjavljena(da li postoji ova rec) I samo ce ti se kasti.

  Ako se prepires sa njima, oni kazu da si tvrdoglava.

  Ako cutis, oni se I dalje prepiru sa tobom.

  Ako ti njih zoves, ti im se kacis I nemogu da disu od tebe.

  Ako oni tebe zovu, treba da si im zahvalna.

  Ako im ne izjavljujes ljubav, iscupace je iz tebe.

  Ako im pak kazes da ih volis, iskoristice te.

  Ako obuces nesto sexy, reci ce da si drolja I da ti je stalo da nekog impresioniras

  Ako se ne obuces lepo, reciceti da izgledas katastrofa.

  Ako ne spavas sa njima (mislim njim/njom), kukaju da ih nevolis.

  Ako im kazes svoje probleme, kukaju da ih gusis.

  Ako im ne kazes svoje probleme, misle da nesto krijes.

  Ako ti zapocnes diskusiju o nekom problemu, gnjavis.

  Ako oni zapocnu diskusiju o nekom problemu, vicu.

  Ako ti prekrsis dogovor, tebi covek vise nemoze da veruje.

  Ako oni prekrse dogovor, to je zato sto su oni morali, nije bilo drugog izlaza.

  Ako ih prevaris, hoce da te prebiju.

  Ako te oni prevare, ocekuju drugu sansu.

Ajd’ da se kladimo da znam sta ces da kazes: Dupli Standardi? Tako je! To je dobri stari metod kontrole I manipulacije. Ali ti ne zelis da budes kontrolisan/a ili izmanipulisan/a. Ti hoces da budes u odnosu, zar ne? I sta ako u svom odnosu prepoznas “jedno vazi za tebe, drugo za mene”? Nista ne brini. Za sve ima leka. Evo sta mozes da uradis:

1.       Zameni stolice.

Kako? Zamisli obrnutu situaciju (on je na tvom mestu, ti na njegovom). Kako bi on/ona reagovali? Da li bi ocekivali da I ti prema njima reagujes onako kako oni sad reaguju prema tebi, ili bi ocekivali da ti budes fin/a I pun/a razumevanja?

Odnos je zdrav samo ako ste razvnopravni. A to znaci, sto vazi za mene to vazi I za tebe. To ne znaci da cemo biti blizanci, svako ima svoje zelje I potrebe. Ali to znaci su ljubav, razumevanje, ne-ponizavanje, podrska obostrani. Ti nisi u odnosu da hranis tudji ego, niti da te neko ponizava. U odnosu, zdravom odnosu, partneri podrzavaju licni razvoj I dobrobit svog parnera.

Nisi siguran/a da li I kako da znas da li te tvoj partner zaista podrzava? Ako nisi siguran/a, predji na tacku dva: Res non Verba ili ti Dela ne reci test.

 

2.        ‘Res non Verba’ ili ti ‘Dela ne reci’ test

Ovaj test ce ti reci koliko ima sati I da li je vreme da se izgubis iz odnosa (ne bukvalno, porpicas sa partnerom zasto te vise nece vidjati ili videti ikada vise u zivotu, hehe). Test je super jednostavan. Je si li spreman/a? Zaboravi sta pricaju, obrati paznju kako te tretiraju (delo na videlo). To je test, toliko je jednostavan. Samo zato sto te pozovu s vremena na vreme, izadju ili potrose parice na neku sitnicu, pa ste kao u semi, to ne znaci da imaju prava da te ponizavaju, da prate svaki tvoj poziv ili sms. 

 

3.       Postavi standarde u svom odnosu, ravnopravne za oboje, naravno. Kazem postavi standard u SVOM, ne vasem odnosu, jer tvoje je da postavljas standard samo u svom zivotu, ne u todjim, tamo ti nije mesto, kao sto ni drugima nije mesto da ih postavljaju u tvom zivotu. Zar ne? Onda ih jasno daj k znanju partneru:

Hoces, recimo, da:

  Se cesce volite, nego mrzite I prepirete

   Provodite vreme odvojeno,  sa svojim prijateljima

  Uvek osecate sigurno sa partnerom

  Verujete jedno drugom

  Verni jedno drugom, ako ste se tako dogovorili

  Podrzavate jedno drugog, iako imate razlicito misljenje

  Postujete misljenja iako su razlicita

  Resavate probleme bez ponizavanja, dranja I pretnji

  Svako bude odgovoran za svoje izbore

  Izvinite se ako pogresite

  Imate jednako pravo izbora kad I sta radite

  Budete ponosni sto ste zajedno

  Podsticete interese partnera

  Imate privatnost

   Ne prisiljavate jedno drugo na sex

  Mozete da pricate o sexu

  Date jedno drugom prostora kad vam je to potrebno

  Uvek tretirate jedno drugo sa postovanjem

Neces, recimo, da:

  Budete ekstremno ljubomorni

  Da ponizavate jedno drugog, psujete, pretite, vicete

  Preterano ozbiljno sve shvatate

  Jedan od vas ne slusa kad drugi prica

  Jedan od vas konstantno kritikuje partnerove prijatelje, roditelje

  Jedan od vas prisiljava drugog an sex

  Pretite da cete se ubiti ako neko nekog ostavi

  Pretite da cete prevariti jedno druog ili da to stvarno uradite

  Ikada dodje do fizickog obracuna

  Drugog krivite za svoje postupke

  Osramotite Ili ismejavate jedno drugog

  Dodje do bacanja, lomnjnja stvari

  Sprecavate jedno drugo oko izbora posla I/ili nastavka skole

  Jedan pravi izbore za oboje

  Pravite jedno drugog ludim

  Nedrzite obecanja

  Ponasate se kao da posedujete I kontrolisete jedno drugo

  Ignorisete ili cutnjom kaznjavate jedno drugog

  Kompletno zavisite od partnera za sve svoje emocionalne I drustvene potrebe.

(Partner nije, ne sluzi kao, phiho-linija koja je otvorena I spremna da te slusa 24/7, ok?)

 

 

 

SRETNO!

PISITE!

(u mnozini, ne, nepersiram vam, ups, mislim ti/tebi)

 

Kako i da li vam je ovo bla-bla pomoglo?

Kako su vasi partneri reagovali?

Kako ste se vi osecali sa promenom?

Jeste li se osetili ‘najzad osecam da je moj odnos pod kontrolom’  ili ‘pa izgleda da sam ja bio/la ta smarac/ica sve vreme?

Iskreno, koliko ste odnosa upropastili zbog ovih I slicnih razloga?

 

Emotional abuse. It’s this really awful form of abuse that starts off silently and subtlety. It tends to occur in emotionally intimate relationships (like, between boyfriends and girlfriends). Without getting too heavy right now, you know you’re a victim of emotional abuse:

• If you argue with them, they say you’re stubborn.
• If you’re quiet, they argue with you anyway.
• If you call them, they say you’re needy and clingy.
• If they call you, they think you should be grateful.
• If you don’t act like you love them, they’ll try to win you over.
• If you tell them you love them, they take advantage of you.
• If you dress sexy, they say you’re a slut or you look as if you are “trying to impress someone else”.
• If you don’t dress nice, they say you look bad.
• When you don’t sleep with them, they say you don’t love them.
• If you tell them your problems, they say you’re bothering them.
• If you don’t tell them your problems, they say you don’t trust them.
• If you try to bring up a problem, they say you’re nagging.
• If they bring up a problem, they yell.
• If you break a promise, you “can’t be trusted”.
• If they break a promise, it’s because “they had to”.
• If you cheat, they want to punish you by locking you up or beating you.
• If they cheat, they expect to be given another chance.

As you can tell, this is pretty much a losing situation for the victim and everything is a double standard with an emotional abuser. Everything with them is a constant method of control and manipulation.

Nonetheless, I want you to keep in mind that when the person you’re feeling doesn’t want you, they will display it. Forget what they say. Actions speak a heck of a lot louder than words. Just because they call you every now and again, go out with you a few times a month, and spend a little cash here and there, does not a relationship make. If they like you, you will know it.

 

How Healthy is My Relationship?

Here it is:

Healthy: Have fun more often then not, Each enjoy spending time separately, with your own friends, as well as with each other’s friends, Always feel safe with each other, Trust each other, Are faithful to each other if you have made this commitment, Support each other’s opinions, even when they are different, Respect each other’s opinions, even when they are different, Solve conflicts without putting each other down, cursing at each other or making threats, Both accept responsibility for your actions, Both apologize when you are wrong, Have equal decision making power about what you do in your relationship, Each control your own money, Are proud to be with each other, Encourage each other’s interests, Have some privacy, Have close friends and family who like the other person and are happy about your relationship, Never feel like you are eing pressured for sex, Communicate about sex, if your relationship is sexual, Allow each other space when you need it, Always treat each other with respect.

Unhealthy: Gets extremely jealous or accuses the other of cheating, Puts the other down by calling names, cursing or making the other feel bad about him or herself, Yells at and treats the other like a child, Doesn’t take the other person, or things that are important to him/her seriously, Doesn’t listen when the other talks, Frequently criticizes the other’s friends or family, Pressures the other for sex, or makes sex hurt or feel humiliating, Has ever threatened to hurt the other or commit suicide if they leave, Cheats or threatens to cheat, Tells the other how to dress, Has ever grabbed, pushed, hit, or physically hurt the other, Blames the other for your own behavior(If you hadn’t made me mad, I wouldn’t have…), Embarrasses or humiliates the other, Smashes, throws or destroys things, Tries to keep the other from having a job or furthering his/her education, Makes all the decisions about what the two of you do, Tries to make the other feel crazy or plays mind games, Goes back on promises, Acts controlling or possessive - like you own your partner, Uses alcohol or drugs as an excuse for hurtful behavior, Ignores or withholds affection as a way of punishing the other, Depends completely on the other to meet social or emotional needs.